I have started this post over and over again. For some reason, it’s been a hard one to write. There is so much and I don’t really know where to begin and how to keep it from being a 2o page novel! lol
After coming home from China we went straight into survival mode. Because of May’s anatomy we were in the hospital a lot with serious UTI’s and kidney infections. I can’t tell you how many ER’s, doctors offices, and hospitals I was at in the first 5 months home from China.
I had my head down, with one thing in mind, getting my daughter healthy. So about a year later when things settled down and we could breath again, I realized I was not connected with Mayleigh at all. It was heartbreaking. What had happened?? This was the daughter I longed for for years.
This poor girl had been through so much trauma in her short little life. Three major surgeries before the age of 3. Handed to complete strangers at a year and a half old and taken across the world to a place where no one looked like her or spoke the same language she had heard for the first 18 months of her life.
It is obvious as to why her behaviors are the way they are. But you guys, I am human and parenting has been hard. So hard.
I know why she can’t deal well with her emotions, and I know why she lies, and I know why she is overly sensitive and feels insecure. So why couldn’t I get past the behaviors and feel connected and remember the WHY?? The behavoirs were standing in my way and still sometimes do even today.
I heard a song yesterday during our church service and it made me think about this post and our journey with May.
“Never once did we ever walk alone.
Never once did you leave us on our own.
YOU are faithful, God you are faithful.”
This song reminded me of His faithfulness through this adoption journey. I truly feel like I was called to adopt HER and I know God will be faithful in the issues we face today.
I have heard from a few of my counselors that we need more one on one time, we need more one on one time, we need more one on one time. I know we do. That was obvious. But sadly, May and I were on a vicious cycle. Her behaviors push me away and then her behavior gets worse because she needs me.
Things have gotten so much better over the years. We have both grown so much. But is there still work to be done. Most definitely.
This is my heart you guys. I am laying it all out there. Most people close to me know these struggles. I have always been open book. You know who also knows this. Mayleigh.
We talk very openly about our relationship. We talk a lot about the lying and what that does to our trust. We talk about the behaviors pushing me away. We talk about how much we are both going to try harder. We talk about how discipline and love are different. I can discipline her for her behavior but that does not mean I don’t love her. I tell her repeatedly that I am upset with the behavior NOT with her. We spend hours talking. We spend an hour together every week in therapy. I will not give up on this.
Do I feel like I want to some days. Absolutely. But everyday is a new day.
With this new series “Mondays with May” I will be posting about twice a month on special one on one time together. And be looking for some fun photos every Monday on Instagram with the two of us!! We have a lot of fun taking pictures together and we have a lot of fun stuff we have planned! 🙂
This was not what the story was suppose to look like. But it’s never too late to rewrite the story. 🙂